Someone asked me to give some advice for Christian singles on the following Christian dating question:
How do you break up an unhealthy Christian courtship?
So in response to this question that I received I am going to do just that and offer some advice for Christian singles on how to break up an unhealthy Christian courtship.
Breaking up isn't easy, the tendency is to want to hide and ignore the person you are trying to end the relationship with in the hope that they will get the message and as if by magic just go away without asking any questions.
In reality however things do not work out that way, if you are going to break up with someone you've been dating they are going to want answers to questions like why? What did I do wrong? If I change can we still be together? And you need to be prepared for those questions and have genuine answers.
My advice for Christian singles when breaking up a relationship is firstly not to hide and ignore the person you want to break up with. It is very difficult but you must face them and be honest, ignoring them will just make things worse. If possible have a mature Christian or a Pastor at your church there when you break the news. Let the pastor know in advance what you intend to do and be honest about your reasons for wanting to end the relationship because they will ask.
Having someone else there can help soften the blow, and they might even be able to help you communicate your intentions to the person with wisdom if you don't know how or are too fearful to do it. And they can also be a source of comfort for the both of you.
The person you are breaking up with will need answers in order to have closure; otherwise it will be very difficult for them to move on. It is best to be open and honest and not give excuses.
No matter how hard you try to sweeten things up, the break up is going to hurt them so be honest. It is okay to tell them that you don't feel that you are compatible; it's okay to tell them that you no longer feel the same; it's okay to tell them that you can't see a future together with them. Whatever the reason, be honest. And also be firm, if it's over in your mind then make sure you end it no matter how they try to convince you to change your mind.
You might be tempted to give in to their plea not to end the relationship because you don't want to see them in pain and hurting because of you, but you would only be delaying the inevitable because if you no longer want to be with them and you haven't official ended the relationship and brought closure, in the long run you will end up treating them bad and be cold and uncaring towards them because the feelings are no longer there and that is much worse.
So my advice for Christian singles is that if you have prayed about it and have thought it through carefully and have a conviction in your heart that ending the relationship is the best thing to do and you are not just ending the relationship for some petty and stupid reason then make sure you end it and end it properly with both of you knowing exactly where you stand with eachother. No using excuses like I just need a break when you really mean I need to get out.
No deceptions, telling them you just need a break will make them think that there is still a relationship and they will be waiting for when the break will end, clinging on to hope when there is none and that is very unfair on your part if you do that. No point delaying it, the longer you leave it the worse it will get, it won't just go away.
It will hurt and be heart breaking for them but at least if you are open and honest they will understand your reasons and with time they will heal and move on. But if you are dishonest and then they later find out the real reason why you ended the relationship, then it makes you look bad.
Finally in this advice for Christian singles about breaking up a courtship, make sure you are sensitive to the feelings of the person you are breaking up with and apply wisdom. You must do it in love, don't be brash about it and don't look for the easy way out like trying to start an argument over nothing and then using that as an excuse to break up. God will not be pleased with that. As Christians everything we do must be done in love and yes that includes break ups too.
And once you've broken the relationship give them some distance, if you try to stick around in the attempt to help them through the pain of the break up, it will only make the separation that much harder, so give them space and time to heal and get over you.
O! and finally (I promise this is the last one), my advice for Christian singles is that be prepared for some negative reactions from them after the break up. They might say bad things about you behind your back, people might start to look at you like you are a bad person especially if you both attend the same church. There will be some negativity, people will talk and those that dont understand the full situation will judge you.
Don't react, let go and let God, Don't even be mad at them for talking bad about you, it's normal, they are hurting so what else do you expect them to do! If you know within your heart that you have done what God told you to do and didn't go out to hurt them on purpose, then God will vindicate you.