I Need some Christian relationship advice, after 7 years of dating he still hasn't married me and his ex calls him at odd hours.

I got an email the other day from a young lady who wanted some Christian relationship advice about how to handle her boyfriend of 7 years who wont marry her and still gets calls from his ex girlfriends.

This was her exact question: After being together for 7yrs and even experiencing long distance for a yr and a half. He talks about our future together talks about children and us marrying soon. But we've had these conversations over and over again. And I have expressed the importance of marriage to me. He has committed to me but I am finding living with him and not being married harder and harder to do. How much longer should I wait before I break it off and look for someone who is more serious about marrying me?

He also has a lot of female friends. Two in particular are ex girlfriends and for whatever reason I am not at ease with that at all. One calls late at night and early in the morning to talk about her problems with him.

My issue is that. I have met a hand full of his friends-but not his ex. They have been intimate and the fact that I can't imagine her calling the way She does to continue when we are married bothers me.

I have expressed my feelings with him and he respects how I feel. But now I just feel paranoid every time his phone rings at night I get so upset even when I am not sure it's her calling because I see it as disrespect from her to me when she calls knowing I don't feel comfortable with her talking to him.

I DO trust him which is why I really try not to pry and ask him who is calling him. Most times he doesn't even answer his phone when it rings late at night? How do I get over his friendships with his ex girlfriends? As a Christian I don't think it's right for me to try to tell him to end a friendship but just knowing that she calls even a couple of times is killing me. I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I also don't want to be hating the fact that he talks to her for the rest of our lives. I need to get over this-quick before it ruins my relationship. Please help and give me some good christian relationship advice about this

Knowing others might be in the same or similar predicament I decided to post my responce to her which is below so that others can benefit and learn from this Christian relationship advice.

My responce and Christian relationship advice to this question

Trust is a choice that we make; the fact of the matter is that we have to choose to trust unless we have a reason and concrete evidence not to trust. The thought of your partners ex still calling can be worrying because of what they shared in the past, the worry being that old feeling might be rekindled. But unless your boyfriend has given you a reason not to trust him then you just have to choose to trust him and stop allowing phone calls from his ex to bother you. its a mental decision you have to make.

I must on the other hand say that it isn’t right for him to be receiving phone calls from his ex in those hours; it shows that he hasn’t created boundaries with her that she feels that she can call him anytime. He needs to create those boundaries and let her know that calling at certain times isn’t acceptable. This is something that I myself had to rectify in my relationship. Certain people where calling me at odd times and my wife wasn’t pleased, it wasn’t that I was doing anything wrong with them but they were crossing their boundaries, some people just shouldn’t have the right to call you at certain hours, they should respect your relationship and your home and call at decent times.

My wife believes that when another woman is calling a committed man late at night, she might have ulterior motives and is trying to find a way to get close to the guy, and the fact that she calls that late shows that she doesn’t respect the woman in his life. My wife also says in cases like this that it isn’t me she doesn’t trust but the ladies that don’t have the common sense not to call at indecent hours. There has to be boundaries and your boyfriend has to create them with his ex so that the disrespect stops. This is something I always emphasise when giving christian relationship advice on issues like this.

Ok after saying all that I need to say something to you in love so please here my heart and don’t see this as me trying to judge you but rather see it as me trying to help you out of wanting the best for you. You asked for Christian relationship advice and that's exactly what I'm giving you. I got the impression from your email that you and your boyfriend are living together, if you are around late hours and early hours of the morning to know that his ex calls him at those times then that says to me that you guys are living to together or you spend the night with him sometimes (please forgive me if I have drawn the wrong conclusion and stop reading this now if my conclusion is wrong, however, if I am correct please read on...)

If you are living together or staying the night regularly with him outside of marriage then as a Christian, that isn’t right. It would be wrong for me to notice something like that and not say so, God would judge me for not trying to correct my sister in love so I have to bring some correction. I cant claim to be giving Christian relationship advice and not address this.

Living together outside of marriage might be a popular thing but it isn’t necessarily the right thing, when you are living together without being married you are in essence living like you are married without the true commitment of having gone to the altar and said your vows before God. In essence you are violating Gods principles for relationships and when you violate Gods principles you are setting up yourself for some serious consequences, God will not bless what he is not involved in and he will not reward disobedience. If you want your relationship to be successful then you have to learn to conduct it with the boundaries God has set.

The chances are that if you are living together or staying the night regularly with him outside of marriage, you are probably having sex outside of marriage as well (again forgive me if my conclusion is wrong, but in most cases when people are living together, they are sleeping together.)

Whether we like it or not, sex outside of marriage is wrong, sex is reserved for marriage, for two people who have vowed before God to spend the rest of their lives together. You see, the danger is that you are allowing him to enjoy the benefits of marriage without any true commitment; he is enjoying the goods without paying the price and if he decides that he doesn’t want the relationship anymore today he can just walk away because there is no marriage. You also mentioned that you have been together for 7 years, after 7 years of being in a relationship and there is still no marriage it might be evidence that he has become comfortable and is not in a rush to get married because he already has all the benefits for free and there is no incentive to get married.

This might also be the reason behind some of the issues you have with him receiving calls from his ex, sex outside of marriage causes trust issues because if he has had sex with you outside of marriage then what are the chances that he won’t do it with someone else, you also mentioned that he was intimate with his ex, if he was intimate with her and things didn’t work out with them, what are the chances that things will work out with you guys?

Sex is a sacred thing, but unfortunately the world has so trivialized sex that it has lost its sanctity and unfortunately even Christians are beginning to trivialize sex and God is not mocked, it might be acceptable in man's eyes but not in Gods eyes and even though God is love, he is also a God of Judgment, there are consequences to disobedience. This might sound harsh but I have to be uncompromising in the christian relationship advice that I give.

Again I must remind you that I am saying all this out of love and for your own good, I don’t want a situation where this guy will use you for 7 years and just dump you afterwards, you are worth far more than that and you don’t deserve to have your heart broken even if you have made some bad decisions.

My Christian relationship advice if you want to take it is this: Stop the living together thing, repent before God and do things properly. If he is unwilling to go on the right path with you, then you have to wonder whether you really want to be with someone who isn’t bothered about violating the commandments of God.

If we are going to be Christians, then let’s be true Christians, there is no point doing one foot in and one foot out, if we are going to follow the path of Christ then lets follow it wholeheartedly because there is no point otherwise, there is no point deceiving ourselves because God certainly isn’t deceived. But there is forgiveness if we repent and turn from what displeases God. There will be temptation but we are supposed to overcome temptation not fall into.

A lot of other people who claim to give christian relationship advice wont be honest with you about this because they will be afraid of offending you and dont want you to stop coming to their website, so they'll tell you what you want to hear but wont be honest enough to also bring correction, I give christian relationship advice based on what Gods word says and because I care about people living right and doing things Gods way.

Hope you don’t feel I was too hard on you, but being your brother in Christ I had to say something, it wouldn't be right to see you going in the wrong direction and not say anything - if I do that then I am not a true brother and my advice wouldn't truly be christian relationship advice as I would be compromising the standards of Gods word and I would have equally been as guilty and God will judge me for not saying anything to help my sister.

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