Please give me some relationship advice, If he love me why wont he marry me?

I got the following mail from one of my website visitors who wanted advice on their relationship:

Hi Paul, I have been really inspired by your words of wisdom on the christian dating page.

I would be very grateful if you could give me some advice: I have been in a relationship with a guy for nearly 4yrs, he had a divorce from his wife some yrs ago as she cheated on him and remarried. Since then we have been a couple and its been a challenge as one minute we are talking about marriage the next he tells me that he doesnt want to get married in U.K but in africa...'cos in this country people dont respect marriage'.

He is a christian, but at the same time earlier on in our relationship we were having sex,had a baby. and were living with each other. However, after some counselling, reflection etc about my christian walk I decided to abstain.I told him that if we are not married we cannot keep living in sin, even though a baby is involved. Ive told him but he still trys to tempt me, however he now sleeps in a separate room and recently i noticed on our laptop that he has been watching porn sites online.

My daughter is 15 months old and I do not want this yr to come to an end with me in this same cycle.If he really loves me then why wont he just commit and marry me? he makes excuses like he wants to make sure we are in a commited relationship before he takes the next step for the welfare of his children frm a previous relationship.

or that due to my non christian families background (idol worship) theirpractices are hindering me from having a successful marriage and that I have a spiritual husband!

I care about him alot and in all honesty, despite his actions, he has been a great man in my life: supporting my educational and career goals, self-esteem issues especially since I do not have a supportive family.I want to tell him that he has to decide what he wants or let us move our separate ways but im confused and not sure how to express myself without seeming overly dominant.please, please advice me on this messy situation.

Paul's reply:

I read your mail carefully and I understand your pain and fraustration. On the one hand you have this amazing guy who has helped you through so many things and has been so supportive and on the other hand he wont commit to you in marriage and says its because he wants to make sure that you are both in a commiitedd relationship. You are probably thinking to yourself: i've given you all of me, we live together, we even have a child together, How muuch more commitment do you want? so I understand where you're coming from.

While I'm not trying to make excuses for the guy, but if it is true that his previous marriage broke up due to infedelity on the part of his ex wife then he probably now has some serious trust issues and will be very weary about getting hurt in that same way again - (no matter how much you reassure him that you would never do that to him.) It could also be that he is still feeling the pain of the divorce and maybe there hasnt been enough closure for him to accept the breakup of that marriage so he is finding it difficult to totally move on and commit himself to you. (it would be nice to know how long after his divorce before you guys hooked up)

I think he needs to get a reality check about marriage being more respected in Africa, that was the old Africa when there wasnt much western influence, the divorce rate might not be as high but infedelity is rampant. The success of a marrige has little to do with the country one gets married in but the decision to be fully committed and honest with your spouse along with the pursuit of marital wisdom.

I know that you probably already know this and I'm not saying this to be judgemental but it wasnt a good idea for you guys to be living together and sleeping together without the committment of marriage. Statistics show that relationships that do the living together thing dont usually work out and it usually takes a long time before such people get married if they ever get married.

The problem is that the guy gets comfortable, he has access to everything without paying the price for it. He already lives with you, he already has access to your body, he already has a child with you so he is comfortable and relaxed, there is no motivation or urgency for him to get married because he is already enjoying all the benefits of marriage without paying the price of marriage. It is good that you stoped giving him access to your body but I also think that the living arrangements need to change.

As long as you are living under the same roof and he is tempting you, it is only a matter of time before you fall again because the body isnt very good at saying no to sex especially when it is with someone you have already been with. But aside from the sex thing, it is better not to live together, he needs to know that having that kind of priviledge should come with a sacrifice and commitment called marriage. No more freebies, let him pay the price so that he can appreciate the goods.

And to touch on the spiritual husband excuse he is giving, is this just speculation or is it fact? I'm sure that if you had a spiritual husband you would know because you would usually have experiences in your dream. Anyhow even if there was a spirtual husband, that can be dealt with with prayer and deliverance, it's interesting that the knowledge of this spiritual husband hasnt scared him away from being with you, he just wont marry.

If he was truly convinced that you had a spiritual husband shouldnt he be scared of what this spirtual husband might do to him - just sounds like a lame excuse to me, and if there is truly a spiritual husband then go to God in prayer to break any ungodly tie with a spiritual husband - Problem solved.

Finally, I think an ultimatum wouldnt be a bad idea, but this is how you do it: Let him that the present arrangement is no longer working for you, its not the vision of a family that you want, tell him that you love him but his unwillingness to commit to you in marriage is making you feel insecure in the relationship, that you dont want a situation where you have given him so much of your life only for him to quit on you.

Tell him that you want to do things properly, no point acting married when you really arent and that if he doesnt want the same thing, you would understand but the relationship would have to come to an end because thats not the kind of life you want anymore. You dont have to use my exact words, its the approach that counts. You want him to know that you are not fight him or attacking him, just expressing how you feel inside and what you want. Hope you get the gist!

So I hope that helps and I wish you all the best, again the advice shared are just my perspective on things, you dont have to agree or even use them if you dont feel comfortable. But I do sincerely hope that things work out for you regardless of what you choose to do.

God bless and remember that you are beautiful and worthy of true love and dont settle for less than you deserve because of fear and insecurity.

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